it's better that way

One of the more pathetic chapters in my life was about two years during high school. I remember precisely when. It started at the beginning of 2003, and probably ended a year and a half or so after that. September 2004 sounds about right. It was this insane friendship with someone a decade older than me that I think I poured a lot of energy into because I was socially foul and perpetually single. There were a crapload of good times, but I mostly remember the bad. The slow deterioration of our friendship, as she descended into video game addiction and I ran out of time to participate. She wished I still played the game, I wished she still talked to me about something other than. She would sleep all day, sometimes for 24 hours straight, and do freelance programming jobs to pay the bills so that she could just sit at home playing video games. Our one mutual friend (or her friend that became mine) was… marginally deranged? And I told her off once, and it wasn’t my finest moment. It was a stupid year and a half, and I think I’m probably better able to evaluate friendships because of it. It was a period where all my friends were older than me because I was “mature” beyond my years but depressed all the time like a “mature” teenager does. Now I’m older, and I think I’ve made a transition where I’m functional without requiring the approval of older folks. I’m more likely to deal with the needs of children than to seek the assurance and comfort of adults. It’s an adult feeling to have, I guess. Maybe this is an appropriate conversation to be having, two and a half hours from my last final in the educational system.

I think what’s the most fucked is that I’ve heard this girl precisely one time since late ’04, and I recently found a short status update she left at one of her old haunts online – that she’s married with two children now. Which is distressing. Not in the sense that OMG all my friends are getting married and having kids – I know a few too many asexual fuckups and weirdos for that to be happening. There’s something, I guess. Being completely ejected from a person’s life and having them completely reinvent themselves on the basis of their children. It does not seem that long ago – though it actually is – that she was at the center of my life, and I presumably/wishfully near the center of hers. I never had much hope for reconciliation, but it’s almost like she’s completely dead now. If there’s some inevitable moment where she does try to get back in touch, she’ll not be the same person to me any longer. She’ll just be a shadow of who she was. The mother of her children, not the friend I once had. Maybe it’s that the 32/22 age gap seems a lot bigger than 27/17. Or perhaps it’s that this girl who I had an enormous crush on for entirely too long just did remotely what she was always so good at while we were still friends – she’s making me feel like a kid.

High School is such a void to me, man. I didn’t get a whole lot good out of it. So much wasted time. How much time did I waste being the teenager to friends at such a different stage of life than I could handle? And what did it say about them, that they were hanging around with teenagers? How much did that fuck my view of what adults are like?

Fuck it, man. My stable of 5 or 6 close friends is all I need. Take that one to the fucking bank.

it's not about you

I think for the last six months I’ve been mulling how exactly to tell you, and my inability to do so I’ve written off to a number of things. The delicacies of our relationship, or things about you, or whatever. But it’s not about you at all. It’s timing. I reserved this block for telling you because it came after the block where I told all my closer friends. but somewhere during that block, my perspectives changed. i’m not proud and excited anymore, i’m slightly embarrassed and ashamed. which, admittedly, i shouldn’t be. but i am. and i have to get over that before i tell you.

future perfect

I am only a few short months until graduation and the real world, and I feel I am gravitating toward the person I want to be post-education. And the hope and expectations orbiting around perfectly attainable goals are seeping from my pores and I am excited and life will be good.

It’s a celebration, bitches

got beef

meh, diona said

RULES
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 10 friends
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
The Futureheads – Burnt
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Mike Doughty – Unsingable Name
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Barenaked Ladies – Intermittently
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The Hood Internet – Sentimental Hearts
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
They Might Be Giants – My Evil Twin
WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
The Rosenbergs – Nighttime Lover
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Prodigy – Serial Thrilla
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Sara Bareilles – City
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Cake – Nugget
WHAT IS 2 + 2?
The Smashing Pumpkins – Cherub Rock
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Troubled Hubble – To Be Alive and Alone
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Antipop Consortium – Places I’ve Never Been
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
George Michael – Faith
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Lady Sovereign – Love Me or Hate Me (Remix)
WHAT DID/WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Riton – New Disease
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
They Might Be Giants – Counterfeit Faker
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Barenaked Ladies – I Love You
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
De La Soul – Jenifa Taught Me
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Thunderbirds Are Now! – Better Safe Than Safari
WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
The Avalanches – Two Hearts in 3/4 Time
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Chamillionaire – Standing Ovation
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Snoop Dogg – Got Beef

Well, that ended up kind of stupid.

Fun fact: My computer crashed in the middle of this and I lost my first draft, but the original answer to “HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?” was “Shawn Lee – Russell in the Hole” and I’m sure I know how my girlfriend feels about this. Originally “WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?” was “Dabrye – Game Over” which also made more sense. What did we learn today? It is time to listen to George Michael, that is what we learned.

dao de joe

so it’s 10 in the morning and i haven’t slept mostly because i’m trying to sacrifice sleep so that i can get ahead on work. as i hack away at technews i’m getting a little annoyed at the constant barrage of religiously-oriented articles hitting the paper. it’s fucking boring, and this wasn’t what i signed up for. but now as a result i am thinking about my own philosophies, if only because the insistent no god vs jesus is lord battle seems so dull and primitive.

but anyhow, my thoughts.

my belief system is based on two things: importance of self and intelligence of all.

the first point, importance of self, emphasizes that i believe i am exactly as i should be, and this makes me invaluable to the world. my defects, however personally frustrating, are critical to my identity, and the uniqueness of my identity is critical to my justification for living. i have a deep appreciation for everything i do, for everything i consume and everything that passes through me, just because it makes my identity more unique and my life therefore more valid. whether i am watching king of the hill or arranging a website or playing with the CFL in my lamp, i am creating a more and more unique composite that adds value to my own life.

second, the intelligence of all.

this means that the world has a way of working things out. this is not because of some higher power, this is because of some underlying momentum, this is because of human nature. great changes come because of great necessity; without the great depression we wouldn’t have franklin roosevelt. there are so many competing actors for every cause that everything stays at a peaceful norm and sudden disruptions are eventually smoothed back toward the middle (though obviously, the more catastrophic disruptions, like 9/11, take longer to regain the norm). there is serenity in bureaucracy. at the same time, there’s good and bad that comes out of all things. i guess because everything that happens just changes the world somehow and so the world just is. everything changes, and everyone adjusts.

i guess that’s kind of taoism. which is cool.

Litterbox

To calm the nerves…

You were a huge bitch last week and I’m still pretty pissed at you. Huge bitch. Astronomically immature bitch. What’s your fucking problem? Why can’t you be an adult? Motherfucker I can’t look at your name without getting pissed at you. You got me so pissed that I couldn’t go to class Monday night. And you’re still wrong. My point isn’t that you had a lapse of judgment for an afternoon, it’s that you’re being an immature bitch.

But, you know, whatever. You don’t need me.

at least my cats pretend to like me

this is stupid and pathetic, but i looked at my brother’s facebook and an old ex-friend’s facebook and each of them show signs of genuine human interaction, like people actually give a shit, and i looked at mine, and it’s all groups i’ve joined, or things i’ve posted, or statuses i’ve statused. i mean jesus christ, my girlfriend, little miss “i have no friends” herself, has twelve people who have left her messages in the same timespan! meanwhile i have one dope leaving me stupid messages and the last message before that was an old ex-girlfriend a month ago. jesus!

um meanwhile i’m becoming crankier and downright unpleasant. fucking great! i’m sick of walking around talking to people and having them run into someone else to have a conversation with and then i just hang around awkwardly. oh and let’s list off the people who have been peeved at me in the last 48 hours, because if you add up girlfriend + best friend + fellow student leader + web design client then that’s a fucking nough what’s wrong with me

jesus christ i don’t think there’s anywhere that people like me. i’m mildly competent at work and an irritant to the paper staff and hell it’s not like i ever see my friends. life will never get better, you know? this is as good as it gets and i’m just going to get older and see people less and become sadder. i have blown every good opportunity.

the world of technology is catering more and more to social networkers. there are no more good single player games. i think i’m just going to stick to books from now on, because it’s hard for books to hate you. i am going to read the fucking dao de jing.

fuck my life

cat song

Who’s the cat that can’t suppress
a brown and chunky putrid mess
Who’s the kitten with a tummyache
and leaves me presents for when I wake

It’s Duke!
The cat that loves to puke!
Not a grosser kitty
in the windy city

It’s Duke!
The cat that loves to puke!
Whatever he’ll devour
Will be back in an hour

Who’s the cat who’s making noise
Across the state of Illinois
He munches and he savors
His stomach starts to waver
Then he conjures up a meal with a regurgitated flavor

It’s Duke!
The cat that loves to puke
Wouldn’t it be nice
If you could eat the same meal twice?

He yukes on the carpet
He barfs on the floor
He does it when I get home
Or when I walk out the door

It’s Duke!
That cat, he loves to puke.

And now, for a fuck you kindly.

I’d like to extend my gratitude to all the people who contributed in ruining my reserved quality time with my girlfriend this afternoon.

This includes people who derelict responsibility, people who can’t follow instructions after being given them repeatedly, people who should know better, people who need to be babysat, and people who don’t know anything at all.

Fuck TechNews. I’m going to watch 24. I resent everyone.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is not Wednesday.
Tomorrow is Tuesday.

I do not have a Writer’s Meeting tomorrow.
I do not have a radio show tomorrow.
I still have another day to read Banfield.
I have work to do tomorrow.
I will see my girlfriend tomorrow.
I have a quiz tomorrow, I am prepared for it.

I am on top of things. Tomorrow is not Wednesday. I am ahead of the game.