So here’s one from the April Fools’ issue of TechNews at IIT. We have an interview weekend every year in February where we really show off the campus, and in years past we’ve been forbidden to leave campus – a rule which I flaunted freshman year.

Though IIT has a laundry list of yearly traditions that have fully infiltrated the collective consciousness of nearly the entire student body, few events rival Camras Weekend in scope or impact. For one weekend, every organization on campus is out in full force. You might think it would be quite easy for someone to get lost amidst all this chaos – and you’d be right.

Authorities are not yet releasing the full name of the interviewee, instead only electing to identify her as “Student 9.” She is a 17-year-old high school senior from somewhere in Minnesota. After going out to one of Chicago’s many fine pizzerias with her host on Thursday, February 21st, she was quickly swept up in the bright lights and loud noises of a city so different from her Arctic homeland. Her first attempt to exit the train as it arrived at the station proved fruitless, as the relatively brief window of time in which the train doors remained open was too big of a challenge for a laid-back Minnesota girl like her.

The unsuspecting host, speaking on the condition of anonymity, says she thought she saw Student 9 leaving with a group of friends toward the 35th Street exit. “It was a little like Home Alone 2,” the host said, “except without the comic mischief.”
Meanwhile, Student 9 made a second attempt to exit the train car at the Garfield station, quickly darting from the car the moment the doors opened. Her victory, however, was short lived. “I thought this was my way out! But there were lots of cars and some guys were yelling at each other and it smelled like [urine] and there was a scary man asking me for money and I had to go hide!” The southbound train had paused behind her as its doors inexplicably opened and closed no fewer than six times. Student 9 quickly dashed back through the doors just as they were about to close for the final time.

Try as she might, however, each station was more intimidating than the last. Upon reaching the station at 87th Street, she no longer could muster up the courage to exit the train car. At the 95th-Dan Ryan station, she was startled to hear the last call of the night – “This is 95th, as far as this train goes. All passengers must leave the train. Thank you for riding the CTA Red Line.” “I thought the train went in a loop!” an exasperated Student 9 told us. “Don’t you have a loop in Chicago?” Desperate and unable to leave the train, she cast hygiene to the wind and hid beneath one of the seats as the train pulled into the trainyard. “I was worried that the cleaning crew would find me and throw me to the street,” she confides, “but I never saw a cleaning crew the whole time I was there.”

In the weeks following, she devolved into an almost feral, wolf-like state. Untrusting of strangers after they universally refused to redeem her IIT-issued complimentary meal tickets, she largely relied on discarded food waste for sustenance. “French fries, stepped-on M&Ms, unused packets of Taco Bell Fire sauce. It wasn’t the most appetizing diet, but whenever my resolve wavered, I tried to remember the Sodexo-provided lunch and powered through.”

After surviving for weeks on the train, Student 9 was coincidentally spotted by her host, who was returning from a routine trip to Target. Upon recognizing her, the host was able to cajole a weakened Student 9 to the Sox-35th platform and eventually lead her to Public Safety, where she is being debriefed.

Student 9 has recently signed a book deal. Her book, “AdversIITy: How a Quest for a Scholarship led to a Life of Homelessness,” will be available nationwide this October.