tranniversary

today is not the anniversary of when i saw that episode of magic’s secrets revealed with the female ribbon twirler and i thought “man, i’d like to be her” only to tell my best friend and have her suggest something was wrong with me.

today is not the anniversary of buying my first two skirts at a thrift shop in park ridge and hiding them under my bed, then wearing one of them to a stage crew gig and having a friend yell at me for wearing it.

today is not the anniversary of the first time i masturbated, accidentally while surfing a british cross-dressing supply site, not entirely sure what i had just experienced, and having my therapist suggest a few days later that i go to a drag show to see how i felt.

today is not the anniversary of shaving my facial hair and putting on my first wig in my college apartment, staring at myself in the mirror and not feeling anything, the day before i interviewed to be editor of the college paper and then collapsed on my bed and had a text fight with another friend.

today is not the anniversary of crying at my first roller derby game because i wanted to be a derby girl and didn’t have the right parts.

today is not the anniversary of getting kicked out of my first women’s roller derby league as a closeted male-presenting referee and being called a sexist.

today is not the anniversary of giving an interview to the windy city times saying i wasn’t a dude even though i looked like a dude.

today is not the anniversary of transferring to a women’s roller derby league and then getting called too dangerous and crying in the corner.

today is not the other anniversary of that same thing at another league.

today is not the anniversary of trying to hook up with a dude because it felt more female and hating myself afterwards.

today is not the anniversary of visiting a club for trans women only to be assaulted by a tranny chaser.

today is not the anniversary of wearing my first dress to work because i had to tell HR about how my boss said a bunch of ignorant shit about me and i wanted to look the part.

two years ago today i sat in a doctor’s office with a syringe and stared at my thigh, breathing deeply.

“you can do it!” said one of the physician’s assistants tasked to help me figure out how to inject myself with delestrogen.

“i’m sorry this is taking so long, but it’s just my entire life has been leading up to this moment.”

but i did it. i pushed the needle all the way in, and then gave myself my first estrogen shot.

just me, in a quiet room, affirming my gender on my own terms for the first time. not asking for permission or validation or acceptance. just making my gender my own in the purest way, 5 milliliters at a time.

happy tranniversary to me.